5 things you will never see in my restaurant/bakery/pastry shop/whatever

#1: Whipped cream on sorbet

This is a crime. The whole point of a sorbet is the fruit or whatever flavor is the main component of the sorbet. The only thing whipped cream can possibly do is cover up that flavor.

#2: Fondant

Hey, I've got an idea! Let's spend a lot of time and effort making a really nice layer cake. Then, let's cover it with a 1/4 inch thick shell of vapid flavorless sugar paste that will make people gag when they put it in their mouth and totally ruin their entire cake-eating experience!

Shockingly, there are people who say they like fondant. These people will try to tell you that there's good fondant and bad fondant. These people are idiots. There is no good fondant. There is horrible fondant, and slightly less horrible fondant.

#3: Inedible Garnishes

Here is a picture of a plated dessert. It's roasted pineapple with pineapple sorbet and pineapple chips. It tastes good, but suffers from a huge presentation fail.

Yes, those are pineapple leaves. Inedible. You will need to pluck them off the plate. And yes, that's a WHOLE VANILLA BEAN. What exactly is the person who ordered this supposed to do with a whole vanilla bean? If it were me, I guess I'd stick it in my pocket and take it home.

#4: Baked Meringue

Never have I been eating something and thought to myself "you know what, this would be better if it had some chalky flavorless whipped egg whites on it." I'm not talking about all meringues here. Italian meringue has some legit applications. Baked French meringue is similar to fondant in that it instantly ruins anything you put it on.

#5 Piped Cake Decorations

You might have the impression that cake decorating requires great artistic ability. This is true for some modern specialty cake decorators. But the vast majority of cakes do not require artisitic ability. In fact, they don't require any thought either.

The only things they require are a star tip and a KitchenAid bowl full of white shit (whipped cream, meringue, buttercream, etc.). Plus maybe some food coloring. Just squirt the shit out onto the cake and you can be sure some old geezer rube will come along thinking it looks purty and buy it.

Piping with a star tip is for pastry chefs who are devoid of artistic ability.